Devotion
by a red burn
Summary: Proof of Life - After the events that occurred with her husband, Alice Bowman has enough time to ponder about the stressing months she spent without him and how Terry managed to sooth all that away and how he touched her in some way like no one had ever
1. Spider Webs

**Devotion**

Author: Andréa

Summary: After the events that occurred with her husband, Alice Bowman has enough time to ponder about the stressing months she spent without him and how Terry managed to sooth all that away and how he touched her in some way like no one had ever done –and somehow along the way she changes her mind on what is right for her to do.

Rating: PG-13 to R.

Category: Romance, angst, drama.

Disclaimer: Though I don't really know who owns them, sure as Hell I'm not the one who does.

Author's note: I SO loved this movie! First I thought it was a stupid war- kind boring movie and I only watched because I really love Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe (yummy) and turned out to be one of the best movies ever. But it got me really, really sad about the ending; I totally didn't like it... I wanted them to be together.  
  
Also, please, you gotta know that English isn't my native language so forgive the mistakes in this fic –grammar and such. I write with the dictionary open for any doubts and such but it doesn't help all the time.  
  
Read and be kind enough to leave your review, please.  
  
She never told her love, but let concealment, like a worm in the bud, feed on her damask cheek. She pined in thought, and with a green and yellow melancholy she sat, like Patience on a monument, smiling at grief. Was this not love indeed?"-Shakespeare

**Chapter 1 – Spider-webs. **

He was such a fool.  
  
How could he, Terry Thorne the man always in control over his emotions, who had gone through the most difficult and painful situations, who had learned that other's pain wasn't his problem as long as he was doing his job, had fallen in love for someone else's wife? His hirer. How could he... He had fallen so much for her to the point of helping to get her husband back to her just to make her happy again –for free- even if it meant his miserableness.  
  
There was no other way, though; he couldn't 'not' fall in love with her. The moment he laid his eyes on her –the single sight of her- it took his breath away. The beauty printed over her face, the glow of her golden hair under the sun, how her deep azure eyes seemed to stare at him deep down into his soul, how they hypnotized him, fascinated him –how much they lit up as she asked, no, begged for his help- how her skin seemed so gentle to the touch, so soft, delicate... her lips -the little things took his breath away.  
  
He could remember with such a vivacity how her lips felt against his, so soft, wet, gentle, heavenly... how they seemed to fit so perfectly right together. How she trembled even so softly under his touch as he ran his hands up her arms and gently cupped her face, softly tucking short tresses behind her ear.  
  
He wanted so greatly to believe she was shivering from his touch and not from confusion or surprise or even the adrenaline of the moment. Or was she? He couldn't tell, but whichever was the real answer to that he'd rather not know if it meant to only make him the more saddened. The only memory he wanted to hold of her was how perfect she felt in his arms.  
  
Not the look sorrow she gave him just before walking away.  
  
Not the look of gratefulness she held in her eyes.  
  
Or the indecision when she wanted to talk to him and he only sent her away, not able to handle any form of excuse or rejection from her of what had happened.  
  
It was from the stress, he was sure she'd say and actually hearing the words would hurt him even more deeply than only thinking them.  
  
It wasn't from the stress, he'd say back and they'd find themselves under an awkward moment just to he be left behind by her excuse of needing to get back to the car.  
  
No... He had done that for her.  
  
He didn't want to listen to her.  
  
And now he'd never get the chance to do that.  
  
Bear it and keep going on with his life –Ted had said.  
  
Bear it and keep going.  
  
Stupid devotion for someone he didn't even know...

* * *

She took a small sip from the mug in her hands, the hot, black liquid Heavenly falling down her throat, warming her body from the point of contact to all the rest. It gave her a pleasant sensation, one she hadn't felt in a long time.  
  
A light kiss to her forehead gently brought her back to the reality, forgetting about her coffee for a couple of seconds. She looked up, away from the black liquid twirling in the mug in her hands, to face the oldened face of her husband as he sat next to her.  
  
He was so different from a couple of months ago. Back then his face seemed one of an ancient, old and tired and worn out -he looked so much worn out. The double size of his feet, the bloody look of it, hurt and injured and dolorous, it only increased his already awful appearance -three months without shaving and much probably without any showering. She was very surprised that he hadn't gotten any kind of disease.  
  
To her complete surprise he was actually as healthy as he could ever be.  
  
He was back and safe and they were home, all that thankfully to Terry.  
  
God... Terry... She hadn't even had the chance to say thank you correctly. He hadn't given her the chance –a chance even to talk, to sort things out.  
  
Now, she'd never get the chance.  
  
She looked up again, casting her husband a wary glance, than brought her eyes back to her mug. "How are you feeling?" She asked in a so obvious tentative of trying to start some conversation that Peter sighed heavily at it.  
  
"The right question is, how are –you- feeling?"  
  
"Why would that be the right question?" She shifted, put the mug down on the coffee table and looked intensely at him.  
  
"Alice..." He groaned, bringing his hands up to run his fingers through his now short hair.  
  
"God..." She breathed out the drawn word, sighing now. "Don't start that again..." She whispered, hoping he'd feel pity of her and let go of the issue, but from the look that was already in his eyes she knew it wasn't something he'd let go.  
  
It had been so long that they weren't in good terms, even before the kidnapping. They had fought a lot and he had even told her to go, to leave him, to go back to what she called 'home'. She thought that with the kidnapping, the forceful situation of stress and adrenaline and all the fear they had been put in, they'd finally be able to work things out, since the situation was like a probation, that's what she wanted to believe, but now, over two months after the aforementioned situation they still weren't able to do just what she wanted to do.  
  
Being around him was hard to handle, as it reminding her of everything that had happened.  
  
Every time he kissed her she remembered that so soft, loving kiss Terry gave her just before getting into the helicopter. Every time he held her, hugged her, she remembered how Terry had softly soothed as she cried, crouched along that wall in the kitchen away from other's ears. Every time she even glanced at her husband she saw a glimpse of those beautiful eyes she had gotten used to during the three months she spent with Terry.  
  
She didn't want that to happen, she hadn't asked for that. But every single damn thing reminded her of those awful months she spent down in Colombia and the only sweet memory she had of that time was the time she spent next to that handsome kidnap negotiator.  
  
And that only made her want to go back to him, even thought she constantly told herself not to think of him.  
  
And she couldn't get herself to say I love you anymore.  
  
"Start what? To try and save our marriage?" He asked in a rather harsh tone that got both of them surprised. Alice shook her head, sighed and looked down. "I'm sorry, but I just want to keep you by my side."  
  
"And I want to be." She said with a tone that implied everything but that she truly wanted that, it was so obvious she was only trying to make him believe that that it made him angry sometimes.  
  
"But there's something holding you back. Something that happened and you won't tell me."  
  
"Peter... You know it's not that... Our relationship was almost in an end even before the kidnapping. You're fairly aware of how much we fought, we argued, we bickered –oh, or maybe you do not recall the words you said to me?"  
  
"Alice... I'm not saying you're the one to blame –not the only one, anyway, but I'm trying here, ok? But it seems to me you're not trying at all, you don't even want this marriage to go on anymore. I said it before and I'm saying again: something happened –which you're not telling me- that's holding you up, that doesn't allow you to work through things."  
  
She stared up at him, words failed; nothing came up, not good enough to say. He was right, he was completely right, but she just couldn't tell him that his savior kissed her and made her feel like she had never felt before and that maybe –just maybe- she may felt something for him, something that kept her back to the memories of when they were together.  
  
She bit her lip and took her eyes from his inquisitive face, getting up in one fluid motion and sighing she said, "I'm going to bed." She turned to go without waiting for an answer and left the living room to lock herself in the safety of her bedroom –because that was what she always did. Every time he came up with that conversation she always found an excuse and left, she ran. She couldn't stand that talk -that look in his face, just couldn't face him enough to tell him what happened.  
  
How could she tell him she found herself between the duty –obligation- of helping her husband, saving him, bring him back and trying to keep herself from feeling exactly what she was feeling? She couldn't just very well tell him how hard she tried to stay faithful but somewhere along the way her priorities, her point of view, changed and she was leaning on Terry to keep her sane –he- was leaning on her. And the feelings when he was around were very powerful, only being decreased by the preoccupation of finding her husband alive.  
  
There were so many details that while in the moment she didn't notice but came to realize later, when having nothing to do, she put a lot of thought on this. She could never forget how he comforted her when she cried, how tenderly he touched her face just before kissing her, how he stared at her when he thought she wasn't looking, with such longing in his eyes that made her go weak on the knees –or even how unconsciously he gently touched her now and then.  
  
It was so pure, so innocent, so different from any other relationship she had ever been in –and they weren't even in a relationship. He had truck a cord on her like no one had ever done before.  
  
Dear God... She shouldn't be thinking of him, shouldn't be analyzing anything. She was with her husband again and she should be happy with him, she should at least try.  
  
But why wasn't she motivated to try?  
  
Dumb, she knew. The answer was simple and easy and it was right in front of her face...  
  
Terry Thorne.

* * *

Her night hadn't been different of the others, not a single part of it had changed a bit. It was the same: the fight, the headache, the sleepless sleep, the turns and tosses until she could find a comfortable position, the silence when Peter came to bed and she pretended she was sleeping, the several inches of cold bed and the invisible wall that separated them –the dreams.  
  
No, the dream, though always about the same person, changed each night. Yesterday she had dreamed of them running among the crowd when a bomb exploded, but today she had dreamed of warm hands holding her body close, keeping her with him almost as if knowing she'd have to go by morning and tomorrow it could be... it could be anything.  
  
This night, though, this night it had been different –the dream. This night it wasn't about secret encounters, or feelings of guilty after stolen kisses –no, this night it as about two naked bodies in a bed, candles lit up everywhere and a soft melody playing somewhere outside the bedroom, causing a beautiful muffled sound reach her ears along with soft moans and whispered words of love.  
  
And then, she woke up still so melted into the dream that she could still feel her body shaking, could still feel the burning sensation through all her body, and it felt so unbelievable real that she still could feel on her body the warm hands that had mapped her skin only a minute before or even the moist kisses planted on her face and chest. She could almost feel the warm breath whispering sweet nothings in her ear.  
  
She, ever so slowly opened her eyes to the cruel reality that waited her with wide arms and big scary eyes. As her eyes met the true world she was living in she immediately wished she was still dreaming –her surroundings were nothing like she had saw a couple of seconds before. No more candles around, their light gently caressing the windows and walls and circling her face, no more soft melody, no more warm hands...  
  
Alice sighed softly, lifted her head to look around and again sighed from how far Peter was sleeping –there was at least ten inches of distance between them. For a long time now the bed seemed big and cold and not as comfy and welcoming as it had been once. Now there was this invisible wall keeping her and Peter on their respective sides. What was so normal, an involuntary move as to turn to each other ands hold each other during the night now seemed to be someone else's thing to do, now they'd only turn to the other side and sleep as if no one else was also on the bed.  
  
Kicking the sheets very carefully as not to wake up Peter, Alice silently slid out of bed and padded barefoot on the cold floor out of the bedroom. She was sure she wouldn't get any more sleep for the moment so heading out to get some fresh air was the best she could do –for now, stay lying in the same bed her husband was after the dream she had would only make her all the guiltier, not to mention beyond ashamed and complete uncomfortable. Having such thoughts about a man other than the one she was married with was nothing to be proud of.  
  
God, she was in such a mess, that she was...  
  
But it was such a handsome, gorgeous mess.  
  
For Heaven's sake –whispered that inner voice- stop thinking about him.  
  
I can't, she told her inner voice back, I can't...  
  
Running her fingers through her short messy hair, Alice headed to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and the first bottle of alcohol she found –which happened to be an old Jack Daniel's and soon was outside her house, the cold night air hitting her face and brushing her hair softly, as she let silent tears fall slowly down her face.  
  
What a fucking life... she thought bitterly, even knowing she was the only one making it be as it was.  
  
If only she had the guts...

* * *

Ted stared at him for a while, watching as he paced around, looking through things as if searching for something in particular that wasn't kept in the most obvious place, which he should look in first. And as he finally stopped and sat down on the couch, across from him, with a bottle of alcohol –so familiar now- in his hand and a glass in the other.  
  
Ted wondered what would happen if he just thought what was on his mind, just tried to get him to open his eyes. "I'm worried about you, Terry." He said instead of all the other words.  
  
Terry tore his eyes from the yellowish liquid in his glass and focused them on Ted. "Worried about me?" He asked in a tone that Ted couldn't say if he was feeling real disbelief or was only trying to trick Ted. "You shouldn't be."  
  
"It's been two months now and you're still reacting over Mrs. Bowman."  
  
At the formal name of Alice's, Terry snapped his head up, as though her name was some kind of war warning, which he should be very aware of. "I don't know what you're talking about..."  
  
"Terry..." Ted groaned, running a nervous hand through his auburn hair. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. I told you it wouldn't happen as you expected."  
  
"I didn't expect anything. Look, I knew exactly how things would end and if it had been different I'd not have let it happen. It's over now."  
  
Ted stared at his long time friend for a full moment, the same way he'd stare at a war plan to study it, until he finally tired and sighed deeply, looking away. He knew his friend was only saying that to assure him, for deep down he still had hopes that one day Alice Bowman –the woman that stole his heart- would come back, that he'd see her someday and even though he was trying very hard to forget her he just couldn't, his actions showed it.  
  
"It'll be one day." He whispered in a light tone, understanding of the fact that Terry was trying to get on with his life –even though in the wrong way- for as hard as it was to simply get over the woman he loved.  
  
"Yeah." Terry whispered as he reached one hand up to bring the glass of alcohol to his lips.  
  
"But trying to drown your sorrows in a glass of alcohol is not going to help, pal." Ted scolded, reaching his own hand up and taking the glass from Terry. "Let's try to get one day without it, shall we?"  
  
Terry narrowed his eyes at him, glaring as hard as he could and let out an alcohol-smelled breath. "Whatever." He mumbled in his weak British accent. Then he got up harshly and headed to the door "I'm going out for a walk." He said grabbing his jacket and stepping out the door, closing it soundly after him. 


	2. Sweet Nothings

Devotion 2  
  
Disclaimer: Not really sure who the owner is but since I'm here writing this fanfic it's obvious that the owner isn't me –unfortunately. I wouldn't mind having Terry in my house:]  
  
Author's note: God, I'm so terribly sorry! In the first chapter I called Terry's friend Ted, when it was actually Dino. I mistook the other kidnapping negotiator with the guy from the company Peter Bowman worked for. Please, don't ask how I did that, I just did, I don't know how but I did and now I'm fixing my mistake. So it's DINO and not TED. Sorry for all the confusion I may have caused.  
  
Also, thank you for the reviews I'm receiving. Honestly, it's more than I had actually expected. The movie is amazing and I so hope I'm not messing with the characters and this history doesn't suck.  
  
Enjoy. =]  
  
Chapter Two – Sweet Nothings.  
  
She was trying to stop smoking, though she wasn't exactly sure why. Since she got into college and started with that very unhealthy habit she used cigarettes in moments of extreme tension or moments or nervousness to calm her nerves –during Peter's kidnapping cigarettes were her best friend. Now she was finding out on the hard way how it was to live without her daily friend.  
  
As the dry wind blew on her face, extinguishing the weak fire burning on the tip of her cigarette she cursed the fucking necessity for it. Stopping and reaching her back pocket she searched for her lighter, soon finding it and brought it closer to her face and using one hand to protect her anger killer from the wind, she lit her cigarette again, then resumed walking down the pavement on the street of her house.  
  
She cursed Peter silently for the umpteenth time this morning, thinking back of the events of their latest fight and how much unfair Peter had been this time. She felt some unknown anger boiling up inside her and bubbling out of her mouth, in form of cigarette smoke. Blowing out the fume with more harshness than it was needed, she balled her free hand and threw it aimless around, internally hoping to randomly find something to make her hand make contact with.  
  
Maybe then she could get rid of all frustration.  
  
Using her feet to kick the asphalt with each step as she walked, she took in deep breaths along with the smoke of her cigarette, cursing Peter again, and even wondering what the hell she was still doing with him. Then she stopped, widening her eyes at this very thought, feeling something similar to regret for the thought of not needing him anymore –someone that once she had come to love so much.  
  
Shaking her head, Alice resumed walking again, pondering about the fact that they couldn't work things out in the moment, that maybe they should do as Peter had suggested once, back in Colombia when their marriage was in a very shaky place, that maybe they should give a break, take some time off, away from each other, clear their heads. If all they could when in the same place on the same time was argue, then they definitely should do something about it before they could hurt each other really bad with all the harsh words they seemed to be throwing at each other.  
  
And Alice seriously had to do something about her running away or closing herself up when Peter tried to open her up completely.  
  
But he couldn't do that, Alice thought –he'd never be able to make her open up if he didn't understand her, if he acted as if she wasn't more important than any stupid project, than his work. It'd never work if he didn't get his priorities straight, if he kept on thinking that they were an issue to be discussed.  
  
Alice had believed, once upon a time, that the kidnapping would have given them a new perspective, but obviously –with their daily fight- it hadn't and they were just the same problematic couple of before.  
  
Today was the worst of their fights, this time Peter had accused her of not caring, that if it was for her he wouldn't be there with her. Of course he had regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth and even though he apologized afterwards it still had hurt her more than he could ever know.  
  
He would never know, he wasn't there with her when she cried in the kitchen or the bathroom, or any hidden place so no one would see how shaken she was, or when she couldn't sleep at night wondering what awful things they could be doing to Peter, or when she was hearing Marco say those horrible things, or even when they were moving earth and skies to find a way to bring him back alive. No... he wasn't the one with her.  
  
Terry was.  
  
Oh God... there she was, thinking of him again.  
  
Her hands were suddenly becoming sweaty, so Alice threw the rest of her cigarette away and dried her palms on the material of her jeans, then took another cigarette and lit it on.  
  
Maybe she should give up on trying to quit smoking.  
  
Or maybe she should...  
  
No, Alice don't think that! Her inner voice told her harshly.  
  
But maybe it was the only solution, maybe she really should get away from Peter, taking her time to go see Terry and end with all her doubts and confusion and finally get on with her life.  
  
Maybe that was the only existent solution...  
  
T-T  
  
Easing her pace, taking her time to lift each foot and take its step, she slowly found her way inside her house, her eyes meeting with the brightly lit living room. Well, well, at least Peter was considering enough to let some light on for when she got home. Though neither of them thought she would stay out so late.  
  
Clearing her head had taken longer than she thought, than she had previously needed to calm herself down and come back home without the verbal lashing attitude. And to her luck –which would really help matters- as she walked inside the house she realized Peter was nowhere to be seen, probably upstairs already sleeping.  
  
Something tugged in her heart and she wasn't sure what it was. Could it be possibly the disappointment of Peter not being downstairs, sitting on his armchair, drinking whisky as an act of nervousness as he waited her up worried that something could happen to her? Or could it be that she was relieved he wasn't there? That he wasn't in her line of sight, waiting for her with all he had guarded to say to her? Or maybe it was because things just weren't the same? Whichever one was she still could feel the deep tugging, as if it was there only to remember her of what she was losing.  
  
Or maybe earning.  
  
That was a sign, maybe. That someone was telling her that it was time to move on, to get on with her life because Peter seemed to be doing exactly that, the thought bitterly crossed her mind and she didn't even care to stop it from coming.  
  
Damn it, she was overreacting again.  
  
Sighing rather dramatically, Alice stomped her way up, but not loudly enough to wake up Peter if he was already sleeping –she didn't want to deal with him right now- and headed to their bedroom, turning on the lights of the corridor on her way, but, as she opened the door –the orange triangle formed by the light coming from outside the bedroom half illuminating the laying form on the bed, somehow the sight made her change her mind and decided she didn't want to sleep there.  
  
She didn't want to sleep next to him anymore.  
  
She felt goosbumps on her skin, as a soft imagined breeze blew around her, surprised at herself for the thought that had just entered her mind. When did she start thinking those things? God, when did she start thinking that sleeping in the same bed as Peter –her husband- was forbidden, wrong? Because that was how she felt, how she was seeing things. It was, perhaps, because she was thinking of another man while lying beside her husband? -It might be, her inner self answered, which seemed to be from little to no help lately.  
  
She sighed again, but this time so silently that she herself barely noticed. She shouldn't be thinking of another man in the first place. Especially not the man that had risked his own life to save her husband's. Not him, not that wonderful, handsome, kind, gentle man...  
  
"Jesus Christ..." She muttered barely above a whisper under the half darkened room. Resting her thin frame on the doorframe and let her head touch the cold wood material, feeling its coldness penetrate her head and run through the length of her small frame.  
  
God... she was really in such a real mess...  
  
Casting a look at Peter she realized that things would never be the same again, not while she still had thoughts of Terry, not while she couldn't take him off of her mind, not while she looked at Peter and instead of feeling the welcoming peace home made her feel, she felt as if it was all wrong.  
  
Walking silently to the closet she took from there a pillow and a comforter, deciding that spending the night alone and the couch would be the better solution.  
  
T-T  
  
Waking up the next day had been easier than she had thought. After the restless night full of tossing's and turning's and dreams of Colombia, of Terry and Peter and the uncountable times she woke up in the middle of the night cursing whatever God was out there for the tiring day she'd have ahead of her.  
  
But no, she wasn't feeling tired at all –actually she was feeling renewed and rested and with the hopes of a bright day ahead. Of course she wasn't thinking of Peter when those thoughts crossed her mind, she was thinking of the couple of dreams she had of Terry and the sweet, gentle kisses he placed along her neck and the length of her body while his hands explored the land he knew all too well in her dreams.  
  
She shook her head with a harshness she didn't need as she threw the comforter on the far end of the couch and swept her legs out of it. A cigarette and a hot mug of the so loved black coffee would clear her head and make thoughts she shouldn't be thinking go away from her head.  
  
She folded the comforter carefully before leaving for the kitchen and, as she ran her hands over her face to wipe away the rest of sleep her eyes met with Peter's back, as he was bent over the kitchen counter fumbling with the coffee-maker since he never learned how to use that correctly.  
  
Hearing her footsteps he stopped doing what he was trying to do and turned to face her, his eyes meeting the soft blueness of her deep azure eyes. "Hey." He said softly, so uncertain of himself that Alice almost felt sorry for him –almost.  
  
"Hey." She said back, not moving from the doorway, wondering whether she should come inside the kitchen or not.  
  
"I-I was trying to make some coffee."  
  
"I noticed." She said, her voice empty of any emotions, not that she tried to be cold, or sound cold, it just came out that way.  
  
"Look, Alice..." He started and in a nervous move she knew very well, Peter ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things to you..."  
  
"You really shouldn't. You were very unfair, Peter." She said, taking her time to face him, look him in the eye and cross her arms protectively over her chest.  
  
"I was nervous, out of my mind. I didn't mean all those stuff."  
  
"This is totally wrong. You can't just say hard things and say you're sorry later and expect me to forgive you. You hurt me, Peter. You hurt me pretty badly. Accusing me of not caring was the worst thing you could have ever done."  
  
"Alice, I was angry. What did you want me to do? We're fighting so much lately that when we're arguing I just say anything that comes to my mind."  
  
"You know, Peter..." Alice whispered, finally stepping inside the kitchen, coming fully into his view. She wondered if he had at least missed her during the night, if he had woken up and gone downstairs to check on her and make sure she was all right, if he had even cared to see if she had come home. "This is getting worse. I thought-I thought that if we were back home, back to where we belonged we would work things out... But it just seems impossible."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Peter half asked; half chuckled, not really believing in her words –the meaning behind them as he stepped closer to her.  
  
"I think we should give a break. We should..."  
  
"No. I'm not giving up on you."  
  
"Peter, look at us!" She exclaimed, waving her arms frenetically around, trying to show him the situation and put some sense into his head. "You said it yourself once. We should take different ways; take some time alone." And, with a deep, sad sight, she added: "It's not working."  
  
And then he stood there, just looking at her, not saying a word as if he was trying to absorb al that she had said, to believe in her words. Even if he tried he wouldn't be able to argue with her, he had said these words to her once and didn't give her time to argue back, to say what she wanted. He had told her to leave and now she as doing the same, now that she finally saw the reality of their marriage –their failed marriage.  
  
"You know, you're right. You're so absolutely right. We should have done it long before –before this reached the place it is now." He said and without waiting for an answer he walked past her and left the kitchen, leaving her alone with her own thoughts and memories.  
  
T-T  
  
Sitting there, outside in the porch, staring out at the beautiful scenery that lay before him, Terry remembered of the beauty of the woman he had fallen in love with. The old, expansive red wine he had bought a little while ago was open and half of it was already gone, befriending the never- away cigarette dangerously hanging in between Terry's lips.  
  
Taking a sip of the wine, which tasted just as like Alice's lips –he could recall that with as much vivacity as if he had kissed her only minutes ago- he glanced out, staring off into space for a second as recalled every move from the day they kissed, then focusing his eyes on the scenery he took in a deep sigh, breathing in the fresh cold air. He couldn't remember where he had seen a sight as beautiful as the one in front of him, with the lake glowing weakly under the sunlight of November, which rarely happened –the sun shinning like it was today. The buildings off far away where he could only see the shapes and shadows of them, the trees and green grazes just ahead, the breeze blowing softly...  
  
Definitely that was his favorite place of the house.  
  
Taking another sip of the wine he finally decided it was enough and closed the bottle, putting the empty glass next to it then threw his cigarette away and with a heavy sigh he leaned back on the chair and rubbed his face with harsh fingers. Maybe the pain would take his mind away from certain thoughts.  
  
God... He should be able to move on, he should be able to forget her and get on with his life –but why couldn't he? He had never felt that way about anyone before and now, the first time he did feel it he had to let it go. He didn't want to let go, to let her go, he wanted her with him even knowing she was someone else's –she was Peter's. He couldn't stop himself but think how Peter was a lucky son of a bitch.  
  
And how much he wished he was in Peter's place...  
  
"Are you deaf or something?"  
  
Startled by the sudden voice coming from nowhere, Terry snapped his head up, looking at the direction of the noise and finding Dino with his arms crossed and a frown over his face.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Are you deaf? I knocked on the door about a thousand times. If I didn't know you were home at this hour I would think no one was here. I actually thought you went down for a walk, but with the situation you're in lately I doubted that was the reason no one was answering the door."  
  
Terry rolled his eyes and sighed, getting up to be eye level with Dino. "I was just thinking." Then, avoiding his eyes, he busied himself cleaning the table, taking the wine bottle, glass and the box of the pizza he was eating earlier, with him to the kitchen.  
  
"Obviously." Dino muttered as he walked closely behind him. "Terry..."  
  
Swirling around to face Dino, Terry didn't even have time to put the things in his hands down. "Just don't start that again." He said with a hard face and serious expression that made Dino's own expression soften.  
  
"Look, I'm just worried, OK? I'm leaving tomorrow and who will watch out for you? Yourself? I hardly believe my friend." He said with a smile to break the growing tension.  
  
"I always did that." Terry said with his own smile and resumed putting the garbage away and the glass and bottle on the kitchen counter.  
  
"Well, yeah but it was before."  
  
Before –he didn't need to ask before what because even though Dino didn't say, Terry knew. Before Alice Terry knew exactly what to do, how to feel, how to react but after her he just seemed to not be in control anymore.  
  
"Look, I'm fine, OK? No worries, really."  
  
Staring for much longer than it was necessary at his friend's face, Dino smiled a bit, even though his smile didn't quite reach his eyes, then nodded, trying hard to believe in Terry. "Ok." He nodded solemnly letting out a sigh of desistance. "I'm not going to talk about this anymore." And checking his watch he let out another sigh. "I have to go pack now. I hope to see you when we're visiting our money!" He exclaimed, punching Terry playfully on the arm.  
  
"You can count on that, mate." Terry said; giving Dino the most sincere smile he could manage at the moment.  
  
Dino nodded, and sensing they had nothing else to talk about he finally found his way to the front door. "See you then." He said, giving Terry a smile, hoping that he'd be able to get a grip on his feelings and finally take control over what he should be feeling, controlling the fact that he had fallen for the woman he shouldn't have.  
  
Be able to finally move on.  
  
T-T  
  
End of chapter 2. This isn't what I wanted at first, which is funny because I don't have idea where I'm going with this fanfic. Either way I hope you did enjoy this chapter and that it's not so boring, worthy enough to make you leave me a review.  
  
Thank you. =] 


	3. Different Paths, Same Destiny

**Devotion 3**  
  
Disclaimer: Sill don't mine sigh But I still wish Terry was mine, though.  
  
"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great."  
  
**Chapter Three – Different paths, same destiny.**  
-  
  
Walking along the brick path that led to the front door of her once called home, Alice blew out a circle of smoke and it soon dissipated on the soft breeze blowing around her. The habit of smoking was much stronger than her will to quit it so she just gave up and decided that living with an unhealthy habit wouldn't kill her sooner than she was supposed to die.  
  
As her hand wrapped around the doorknob a familiar female voice called for her, stopping her from entering her house. "Alice, honey, wait up."  
  
Alice looked at the direction Patty was, watching as she fought with her over weighted body to run and catch up with Alice before she got inside. It was funny, in some way –not Patty's obesity but how she, even with her fifties and big body still tried to act as if she was as good looking as she had been one day- but how she just seemed to not care how fat she was, not giving a damn what people thought or how she should act for someone on her age. She was auntie Patty, cool Patty, or just Patty –she was the missing relative everyone wanted in their families.  
  
"Good morning, Patty."  
  
"Morning, candy pie. I almost don't catch you. I've been waiting all morning for you to show up!" She said laughing as if she had just told a joke, which she was the only who understood it, and stared deep at Alice with her green kind eyes.  
  
"I was a little busy today."  
  
"What really matters is that I caught you." She said waving around the hand that wasn't holding a big something in it. Then, holding the something with both hands, she handed it to Alice, a big white teeth-ed smile on her face. "I made this for you, it's banana pie. It's a new recipe that I'm trying and I was hoping you'd tell how it tastes."  
  
Taking the towel paper that was covering it, Alice toke a good look at the pie, smiling at the look of it. "Seems delicious."  
  
"I've been in an argument with Chris, but he just wouldn't taste it. I think he doesn't trust me with kitchen issues anymore."  
  
None of us does... Alice thought, remembering when she started using Alice and Peter to try her recipes since Chris seemed so unwillingly to be the one to try it, not risking his tongue anymore, after all those years. And she couldn't really blame him –Patty was as good in the kitchen as Alice was with keeping herself away from cigarettes.  
  
"I'm sure it's delicious, Patty."  
  
"Oh, good, but you have to taste it, darling. I personally think it's wonderful but my own opinion in this doesn't really count, does it?"  
  
Alice chuckled, but not sure if it was from nervousness of being the rat lat in it this time or just of the memories of when she herself tried to do something but to be honest, she just was good with kitchen issues as Patty was. "Come inside, I don't want to try it alone." Alice said, opening the door and stepping aside to make room for Patty to enter.  
  
"Oh, where is Peter? He could try it, too."  
  
"He's not here." Alice answered evasively, not wanting to talk about him. Thoughts and talks or anything related to Peter only seemed to make her depressed, it made her remembered that they weren't in a good place right now –scratch that, Alice thought bitterly, we're not even in the same place now.  
  
Sighing she walked to the kitchen, leading the way as Patty followed her silently behind. "You're not in good terms right now, are you?" Patty asked quietly.  
  
Setting the plate down on the counter she faced Patty and shook her head, sighing again. "Not really." Then she sat and pointed at a tool next to her and Patty sat on the counter with Alice. "We've been arguing so much." She said with a sad hint in her voice, not great regret or unhappiness, just that she was sad they couldn't be around each other anymore.  
  
Alice took a slice of the pie and put it in her plate, then put another one in Patty's plate. Unconsciously she waited for Patty to taste it first but Patty was doing the same and when Alice didn't do a move the take a bite, Patty gave her a playful smile. "Come on, dear, try it."  
  
"All right." She smile and when the first piece of pie found the way to her lips and her tongue took a taste of it Alice had to try really hard not to gasp and spill all of it back to the plate. It wasn't bad, in fact it even tasted good, but the thing was just too damn sweet. Patty had obviously put much more sugar on it than it was necessary.  
  
"Of course I had to make some changes on the recipe. The quantity of sugar they said to put was absurd. No one can live with half cup of sugar..." Patty rambled on and Alice immediately snapped her eyes to her, shooting her a help look. "Is not too sweet, is it?"  
  
"No." Alice lied, shaking her head rapidly, gulping down the pie as quickly as she could and getting up searching desperately for something to drink, she asked Patty, "No. Want something to drink?" Since Patty was a sugar addict she obviously wouldn't notice how sweet the pie was.  
  
"No, thank you, pumpkin." She said through her smile, and took a bit of her own pie. "Now, talk to me."  
  
Alice went back to counter and sat down, setting her glass of water down as well. "Talk about what?"  
  
"Are you breaking up with him?"  
  
Alice stared at Patty for half a second before brining her eyes down the pie and letting her finger play with the hem of her glass. "I don't know." She said honestly, because she truly didn't know, she didn't even know where the stood right now. "I have no idea what to do to be honest." She managed to get out, trying as best as she could to keep the tears that were already forming at bay then, looking up again, at Patty's eyes, she asked, "How did you keep your marriage for so long?"  
  
Patty smiled at Alice with the same smile a mother would give to her daughter under such circumstances. "My first marriage, it was..." She started, not even answering Alice's question, and stopped looking off into space as if she was searching for the words to say –remembering the aforementioned fact, "wonderful, at first. When I met Garry he was everything I wanted –or what I thought I wanted."  
  
"I didn't even know you were married before."  
  
"Oh, darling I was, be sure of that." She said chuckling and patting Alice's hand softly. "After a while when we got married Garry and I would fight a lot, nothing was right. It just seemed that the first months of marriage, the happiness of it had ended like that," And she snapped her fingers to enforce her point. "We end up deciding that the divorce was the only alternative and I was so scared, you have no idea. I was frightened of leaving him because he was everything I had, the man I loved the most. How silly of me. I thought I would never find someone to love me the way Garry loved and that's why it took me so long to ask the divorce, so much courage to tell him I didn't want to be married to him anymore."  
  
"I'm sorry it didn't work."  
  
"Now, now, don't ever be sorry, sweetheart, not of the things you've done, ever. Only regret the things you never did." She said pointing a finger at Alice, the lines above her eyes showing off how wise from time she had become. "I was so miserable, lost in the world, you know? But then I met Richard –he made me feel like no one had ever done before, so sweet and kind and I ended up married to him too."  
  
"But you're not with him. Something happened with him?"  
  
"Nah," She said making a funny face and waving her had, which made Alice smile. "It just didn't work either. Getting the divorce with him was much easier than before, just as hard to do, but easier to deal with. Then I met Chris and –he- made me feel like... I don't even have the words, he just got me in such a way that I couldn't put into words. It felt so right and wonderful and beautiful. He just made me forget about everything around me when I was with him. And now comes the answer to your question: 'How did you keep your marriage for so long?' How did I? When it's the right person, honey, you don't have to do anything. It just works. Chris is the one for me and even after all these years and me not being the one hot looking stuff of before he still says I'm beautiful, he still says he loves me with the same longing look and honest voice he used to do years ago."  
  
Alice couldn't stop the tears now, as they came full force down her cheeks and wetted her lips, the salt of them mixing with the sweetness of the pie that was still on her tongue. "Do you think Peter is not the one for me?"  
  
"I'm not in the place to answer that, pumpkin, I'm not the one feeling what you're feeling. Now do you feel as if he's the one for you?"  
  
Ashamed, she looked down, shrugging. "I don't know." She said with a voice so small and teary that touched Patty's old heart. It felt that way at first, how Peter made her smile like a silly girl, how he soothed all her pain way when he touched her, the sweet whispered words. Now it was just an old memory seeming to be forgotten at any minute and she was scared to let go of that, of all that she had.  
  
What if she didn't have a chance after that? What if she never found the happiness she wasn't finding with Peter? What if... God, there were so many what if's... And she was so scared of just leaving everything behind, everything that she had lived for once. How could things change so much? How could people change so much? If Peter hadn't been kidnapped would she be in this situation now?  
  
No, you'd have gone through it sooner –her inner self muttered, almost blaming her for what was happening.  
  
But it was true; it was all true. Peter had told her to leave before and that was probably what she would have done if he hadn't been kidnapped. But he was and she had met Terry and feelings she shouldn't feel had blossomed, she couldn't change that. Why things had to happen? Why that had to happen? Why...  
  
'Things don't happen for a reason... they just happen.'  
  
She remembered telling Terry that before and now she had to repeat the words to herself.  
  
But it wasn't bad, though –what she was feeling. Not right now of course, because the confusion and tension and frustration and anger were what was taking over in the moment, but the feelings of when she was in Colombia with Terry were much more tolerable, stronger. They held such powerful strength that managed to make her feel like nothing she had ever felt before even as she was frightened by Peter's safety. As much as she shouldn't she felt as if she could spend her whole life with Terry and never get tired –even if in the moment she hadn't noticed that for those exactly mixed up feelings for Peter.  
  
The moment Terry kissed her, with such loving lips, with such caring in his eyes, made something come alive deep down within her; he made me her feel whole, complete. Even feeling so utterly guilty for kissing another man while her husband was in a death situation, she knew something had been born right there, right then. And now she just couldn't forget it, couldn't let go of the goodness and warmness of those feelings, which were much more overwhelming than the ones Peter made her feel.  
  
And she couldn't move on.  
  
Then as if she was finally getting a hold of her feelings and thoughts, she finally looked up and met Patty's soft eyes as she stared deeply at Alice. "I'm not sure anymore."  
  
"You should take some time to think, darling. You need that." Patty said, once again patting Alice's hand and getting and up to leave.  
  
'Things don't happen for a reason... They just happen.'  
  
That wasn't true. Alice had used that to deal with the pain of her daughter's death because she just couldn't find a reason as to why her baby girl had died, why God had taken her baby away from her, but it was all a lie. Things happened for a reason and for a reason –some unknown reason- Terry had come into her life –it had to be, otherwise she wouldn't be feeling like she did, if it wasn't mean to be she wouldn't be thinking about him the way she was, she wouldn't be dreaming about him the way she was.  
  
'Things don't happen for a reason...'  
  
Smiling to herself, Alice got up too and headed to the living room. "Yes, they do." She whispered softly, still smiling as she searched for the black book with phone numbers in it.  
  
T-T-T  
  
"Damn it!" She cursed under her breath, putting the phone numbers book back in the drawer rather harshly. It had been the fifth time she searched the book for the phone number she was looking for, making sure she didn't find the number she wanted for the single reason it wasn't there and not because she was just too excited to find it.  
  
Closing the drawer with a loud thump she got up and went around searching for a catalogue, hoping that there she'd finally find the telephone number. She looked everywhere she could think of but, defeated for not finding a goddamn list when she need one, she kicked the nearest thing then held her foot in her hand as the pain shot through her body from the point of impact.  
  
How could that be possible?  
  
She was sure they had a list in their house, she was completely sure of that. She had used it dozen times before and it was always under reach but now –when she seriously needed it- the stupid thing just wouldn't show... she just needed a single number, that was all.  
  
She sighed heavily, the sound almost echoing through the nearly empty house. There had to be a way to find Terry's number, she knew she had it, she knew it. She just couldn't remember where. How could she just forget his number like that?  
  
Two months of a brain filled with thoughts of Terry, that's how.  
  
But... didn't she had a card or something? Yes, she had kept his card after everything had happened. It was just...  
  
Snapping her head up, remembering that she had kept his card with her belongings as if it was dear life, she got up and run upstairs, searching for the small piece of paper that she kept in her box, the one she used to keep secret things –or the things dear, that she didn't want Peter to see.  
  
Taking the blue velvet box form the very bottom of a small trunk in the closet, she opened it and took all of the contents out; searching almost desperate now for the small card with the black printed letters. And, with a yell of satisfaction, she held up the card, smiling brightly at it.  
  
She brought it closer to her face and scanned the paper, staring at the small numbers in the middle of it. She didn't think twice when she took the phone beside her bed and brought it to her ear, after dialing the first number on the card. But she started having second thoughts when it rang for the fourth time and no one answered.  
  
She tried, then, the second number –a cell phone with the code of England. Even if it was an international call Alice didn't care, all she could focus was that she'd talk to Terry again. But with the cell phone she got the same result: no answer, only ringing and ringing until it ended and the dial tone took place.  
  
Her fingers were trembling now, the adrenaline was beginning to make affect, running though her veins as if she had just taken some kind of drug; cocaine or marijuana maybe and now it was making the affect she was longing for. And with these same trembling fingers she dialed the last number on the card, hope after hope magically vanishing, coming down as if they were the columns of some ancient, important construction of Rome that after the years didn't take anymore and crushed down.  
  
And it all came to an end, not a personified one, or a big New York style one, it just was over, just like that, when the last number rang till the dial tone took place for a third time.  
  
With fingers still trembling, shaking uncontrollably now as tears mixed with her already mixed up feelings, she put the phone on the hook and stared blankly at the card. How could all her hopes come down all at once like that? After all she had been doing? Why no one answered the phones? And when she was sure her life had gone by her, had ended with a sad ending just like a bad romance, she turned the card around, for no real reason, just to play with it before putting it back in the box and the bright blue ink, numbers neatly written down with an obvious male handwritten, Alice let out the biggest of relieved sighs as a smile took place over the tears.  
  
That was Dino's personal number, which Terry had written down just in case.  
  
Alice looked with such loving eyes at the number that she herself wasn't aware of, then ran a finger very softly over the numbers, smiling again as she remembered the sweet occasion he had written that down.  
  
They were alone in her living room, talking about the possibilities about bringing Peter back, and what they could do when, out of stress she started crying, tired and worn out from all the tension. Terry had held her very softly, ran gentle hands on her hair and back and whispered sweet nothings in her ear, all that could make her calm down. And feeling her uncertainty when he told her he'd leave her alone for a while, he took his card and with the numbers already on it he wrote Dino's cell phone, to ensure her that he'd always be available when she needed him.  
  
It had been so sweet and kind of him. He had already enough stress as it was but still, he had managed to find a way to always be there for her, even if he couldn't. He found a way to always be there when she needed, even if she didn't need him at all.  
  
This may be your last chance, Alice –her inner self whispered, just as afraid as Alice herself was.  
  
Alice took the phone again and dialed the numbers very slowly, making sure not to miss anything and –with her fingers still trembling- she brought the phone to her ear and waited, very nervous, the rings that followed.  
  
The first came and obviously no one would answer it so quickly, so she kept cool and waited for the second and the third and the fourth. When the fifth time came and no one answered she was ready to throw the phone on anything and cry herself to sleep, calling her stupid and naïve for believing she'd ever have a chance with him.  
  
But then, with the sixth ring, came a breathless male voice, which she recognized immediately. "Hello?"  
  
T-T-T  
  
Tahdah! End of chapter three! Lalalalalalalalalala, yay!  
  
Thank you.


	4. When a door closes, there's always an op...

**Devotion 4**  
  
Disclaimer: Terry isn't mine, but Russell Crowe is grin  
  
Author's note: Oh, thank you so very much for the reviews. They sure made my day. I wanted to update more often but lately I found myself in a rather annoying writer's block... I keep staring dumbly at the screen wondering what I should write even though I have the whole damn history in my head sigh oh well...  
  
Also, thank you _**organized-chaos **_for the heads up. I new it was Australian but with Terry in London and so much England in my head I ended up writing British accent when it should be Australian. Mumbles: I knew that... =]  
  
T-T "Have you ever loved someone, not like a dog or a parent, but someone you find out of dumb luck that makes your life everything you never thought it'd be?" T-T  
  
** T-T  
Chapter Four – When a door closes, there's always an open window.  
T-T  
**  
She was frozen at first. She knew what to say --she had rehearsed the words thousand times in head in the few minutes it took her to call Dino, yet all the words she thought she knew by heart, had suddenly vanished, disappeared in a puff, her mouth just wouldn't link with her brain so she just froze. She pressed the white cordless phone tighter to her ear, breathing in deeply, searching desperately in her head for the words to say; anything, she just needed to say anything. Anything at all.  
  
For a lightening second that seemed like hours to her, she saw everything pass in slow motion, just like in those bad old movies, or maybe in comedies she had watched thousand of times before. Feelings, images, surroundings, everything was in slow motion; even the wind that was soft blowing outside was slower. Her breath, she could hear herself taking in and out deep slow breaths, waiting, anxious, nervous, frightened.  
  
"Dino?" She asked -whispered with what rested of her strength; still having an internal battle with believing that was happening and not believing in anything.  
  
"Yes. Who's speaking, please?" Though the voice in the other end of the telephone was eerie familiar, Dino couldn't quite put his finger on it and name the voice's owner. As always he had checked the caller's ID before answering but the unfamiliar number hadn't helped at all.  
  
"Dino, oh god, I'm so relieved I got you."  
  
Dino couldn't stop his mouth from falling open as the moment the voice was recognized, like a light that had just been turned on. Immediately his mind wandered to Terry, images of him filling his head and how broken he was. "Mrs. Bowman?" He asked, even though he knew it was her, but just for the sake of making sure she was really whom he thought it was.  
  
"Call me Alice, please." She said almost immediately, her husband's last name not so inviting in the moment, as she felt as if she shouldn't be called by that anymore, not while she felt as if she cheating on him with all those thoughts of Terry.  
  
"Why-why are you calling me? Something happened? How do you have my cell phone number?" The last sentence came out added in a rush, as Dino realized that he hadn't give her his number and he was sure it wasn't in the list. He made sure it wouldn't be there.  
  
"Terry gave it to me when he was in Colombia. Listen, I need his number. I've been trying to call him but none of his numbers work. I can't reach him."  
  
"What do you need him for?"  
  
"I need to talk to him."  
  
Talk to him; make him feel more sorry for himself than he was already feeling. Dino ran a hand through his short hair, rubbing his face softly as he brought his hand down. "Alice, he changed his numbers."  
  
"Well, than give the new ones to me."  
  
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because..." Because this would only make him all the more miserable. He didn't know if he should tell her that, though. He didn't know what had happened between them and even if he had found out Terry was in love with her he didn't know what went on with them when they were in Colombia. Did she know his feelings for her? Did she know anything –something- for the matter?  
  
"Dino, please. You have no idea what's been going on... I need to talk to him."  
  
"Alice, and you have no idea what Colombia made to him. You have no idea what's been going on with him..."  
  
"But I intend on changing that." She cut him off, her voice strong and determined like she had never heard herself sound before. She wanted to make things right between them, wanted to know if all that was happening, all that she was feeling was only a game of her heart and mind, only memories and images she'd never have or if it was mean to be, if she should be with him.  
  
The last time she saw him, the way his eyes were... They weren't sparkling anymore, they didn't hold that light, that glow she always found herself amazed by, or the honesty she saw in them, didn't see the warmth she was used to. All that she could see was hurt and pain and love. God, so much love in them, so much that she felt overwhelmed, she didn't know what to do and when he just interrupted her and told her to go she did. She was so confused by what was happening that she couldn't react, couldn't fight for it and tell him what she wanted.  
  
She just turned and went away like he told her to.  
  
It was supposed to have happy ending. Wasn't fairy tales supposed to have happily ever after?  
  
But this isn't a fairy tale, Alice –she heard that annoying voice in the bottom of her head.  
  
Yes, it is, she screamed back. It has to be...  
  
"I love him!" She whispered, out of nowhere, hoping that with that admission he would feel sorry for her and give her what she wanted. And she wasn't lying, God... she wasn't lying. She knew that right then, she wasn't lying, it wasn't an admission of a moment of desperation –well it was, but it didn't make it any less truthful.  
  
Dear Lord... she loved him. And what about her husband? What about Peter?  
  
Dear lord...  
  
The silence that followed her words was almost deafening, and that moment she understood what people meant when silences could be deafening. It almost made her lose her audition. It made her wish she was deaf. And then all that was left was her capacity of begging.  
  
"Please, Dino, please. Just one number."  
  
She heard the sigh, then, heard his breath coming in and out in slow motions, carefully not to choke. "You have to promise you won't hurt him."  
  
"I swear." She said immediately, smiling widely when his words reached her brain.  
  
He took a small book from the drawer and opened it on the letter T, and slid his finger down until he found the number he wanted and gave it to Alice, asking one more time for her to be careful, not to make Terry feel bad, as if he was his only child and wanted to make sure the world wouldn't be a bad place for him.  
  
Alice thanked him so many times before hanging up that she was almost sure Dino would regret giving her Terry's home number. His house number, she had his house number. Now nothing would stop her from finding him, talking to him, nothing. And deciding she would see him instead of having a phone talk with miles of ocean between them, with the chance he would hang up on her face or even not answer it, she locked his number in her mind, very carefully and tenderly for future use. Seeing him in person would be so good and wonderful that she just put the card with now the new number of Terry in her pocket and dialed another number, hoping the telephone operator would give her his address.  
  
T-T-T  
  
She had to call Peter; she had to let him know she wouldn't be home for a while. Since their last fight, the one that he decided for both of them they should give a break he, had gone to a hotel, deciding that sharing the same house for the time being wasn't wise. So he went and let the big, empty house to her, so empty now that she almost felt depressed.  
  
Alice didn't have courage enough to talk to Peter, she didn't want to face him right now, but then, how would she tell him she was leaving? How could she tell him she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married to him anymore without hurting him? The conversation she had with Patty came back to her mind then, remembering her that it could be hard but it needed to be done; if she wanted to seek out for her happiness she'd have to cause someone pain. But did she really want to cause Peter pain?  
  
No, she thought rather dramatically. She couldn't hurt him, she couldn't just... He had been so good to her before, so loving and nice and sweet. How could she be able to ruin everything they had because of a curiosity, doubts?  
  
She had loved him one day, and now she'd have to hurt him.  
  
Just like she had promised she wouldn't.  
  
She sighed loudly, and got up from the bed to take a shower and maybe clean her head for a while. Then she'd call Peter and ask him to come over.  
  
T-T-T  
  
She was as nervous as she had been the first time she met Peter. Their destiny had crossed paths some time ago but it seemed these same paths led to different ends, and as sad as it could be, it was true.  
  
Alice paced the room back and forth until she sat on the couch, realizing that if she kept that up she'd wear a hole in the carpet. This was going to be harder than she thought. If the nervousness was a hint of how she would feel than she was sure everything she didn't want to come would come and she'd feel much guiltier than she wanted.  
  
She would break his heart, and she didn't want to feel any guiltier than she was feeling already. Peter was a really nice person, very kind and good, and all she wanted was to make him feel happy and not sad or miserable. That was the last thing she wanted. Even under the circumstances she still cared a lot about Peter.  
  
Hearing the keys turning on the door not far away, Alice jumped up and with her nervousness right up on the front, she quickly searched for something to do, to pretend she wasn't just as nervous as she was feeling. Then, a couple of seconds later, Peter's silvery head peeked in the living room, as he walked further into the house.  
  
Their eyes met and strange, new feelings washed within her, which Alice had no idea what it was. It made her feel relieved somehow, made her feel sad, guilty. But with the strangest part, it made her feel as if she could smile.  
  
Bewildered, she looked down, averting his eyes as much as she could, not daring to look up and stare at the blue orbits she found herself amused for so long before.  
  
"Hey." He said, finally, a moment later, as he tried to cast a glance at her eyes, but impossible to do so. She would not look him in the eye.  
  
"Hi." She said just as silent as a scolded child, and moved her foot softly, back and forth, as if she was stepping on a cigarette. Then she sighed deeply and not taking more of it, she looked up, finally meeting his eyes again.  
  
She should get it over with already, she should just end their both miserableness and talk him for once that she was leaving –not for always, but just for a few days, enough to get her head cleaned and eased. She should just him for once and all and flee from there, far away until her heart and mind felt guilt and pain no longer.  
  
Watching as he fumbled with an invisible string over his coat, trying to be rid of it, she searched for the words to say, but knowing that there was no easy way to do that. "I'm leaving.' She said finally, truthful words, quickly and easy.  
  
He stopped his moves immediately, freezing as if he had just been caught in an ice storm, turning him into an ice cube. "What?" He asked bewildered, even knowing what she had said and that she meant it.  
  
"I'm going away for a week. I thought it would be better to have a small trip somewhere and clear my head."  
  
Confusion and anxiety escaped within him and showed on his physical appearance "Oh." That was all he could reply with, still surprised.  
  
"It's not-it's not for too long. Just a short term trip to somewhere. I'll be back within a week."  
  
"So... you're really taking this seriously. You're really considering this, aren't you?" He said with a hint of bitterness in his voice that almost made her forget about her guilty, which she thought she should feel.  
  
"Peter..." She groaned in a small whisper, bringing one hand up to run through her short golden hair. How she wished she had a cigarette right now. "Please, don't make it harder than it already is."  
  
"So, wanting you is making it harder?" He spit every word out, a defensive attitude coming to the front, as he took a step towards her. "What's wrong with you? You don't want us anymore? If you want the divorce just say it. We don't need this stupid game anymore –I don't need it."  
  
"I never said I wanted the divorce."  
  
"Well, than maybe it's just me." He whispered with saddened eyes and stared at her, waiting for her to say something back, but as surprised as she was she could not muster anything out. So he left, he turned and headed out, leaving her alone in the living room, reviving this exactly same scene a few months back, the same words that had left his mouth then, a day before he had been kidnapped.  
  
That was it, she thought, it's the end.  
  
She searched for the couch and sunk into it, letting all her weight rest on the fluffy cushions as she stared ahead, unfocusedly. It was the end of their marriage, their once burning love. But truth be told, it wasn't the ending of their life, she had still so much to live, so much life ahead of her.  
  
It was just the beginning of a better, happier life.  
  
T-T-T  
  
Chapter Four is through! Share your thoughts, be kind ;] Any English mistake, pwese [baby face] it's not my native language. I try, I really try to make it right sigh. Sorry... I'm rather dramatic today.  
  
Thank you for reading. And listening to my ramblings.


End file.
